


寂しくない

by Doctorbsmith



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:41:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29588082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctorbsmith/pseuds/Doctorbsmith
Summary: I don't know to be honest





	寂しくない

**Author's Note:**

> It might suck, but I don't really expect it not to.  
> Constructive criticism is welcome.

望月花  
w  
I woke up, the sun hitting my face. I hate that feeling. “Is there a reason the sun feels the need to personally punish me?” I asked myself, my own sick little routine, one I for some reason I felt compelled to carry on with, even though it probably contributed to the extreme feeling of dread every time I opened my eyes in the morning.  
"Another dreadful morning I need to carry myself through, huh?"  
I said this mostly to myself, since there wasn't anyone around to hear it. I got up, mustering every last bit of strength I had.   
My name is Mochizuki Hana, I'm a second year at Hokkaido Asahikawa Kita High School. I need to remember this, however unpleasant it may be, since there is no one else who really either knows or cares about it.  
At school I kept mostly to myself and tried not to stand out, I'm sure everyone would hate me if I didn't, so I tried to stay out of trouble as much as possible.   
It wasn't always that way though, but that doesn't matter anymore. This is who I am now, and it's for the best, this way it won't be a problem, for me, for the others, this way I won't have to feel the icy stares of the people around me anymore.   
I walked to the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. I had to wake up early since I take unnaturally long showers, it isn't as if I hate the environment or anything, I just need that moment of the hot water hitting my back and neck in order to function properly for the rest of the day.  
I got out and braced myself for what I knew was going to be a particularly difficult day. 

w  
When I was younger I lived with my parents and brothers, but they decided that I was too much of a nuisance early on and decided I should live by myself as soon as I started high school. It didn't really bother me, the relationship I had with them had always been superficial anyway.  
At first the fact that I didn't love anything scared me, all I could think was "What's wrong with me", "This isn't right", "Aren't humans supposed to love, isn't that their main attribute?". I didn't understand why I was like this.   
My parents didn't really help, they knew I was different, and since it was convenient for them, they decided to throw me away.   
At school everyone somehow found out about it and decided it would be fun to bully the unwanted piece of garbage that was Mochizuki Hana.   
It started with name calling, that I could handle, to be honest it did bother me. Hearing "Oh look, it's that piece of shit no one needs, Mochizuki-san, how's everything?" everyday hurt, however I could manage. It was once they realized it wouldn't do the wanted effect that the physical "punishment", as they called it began.  
They said I deserved it, it was my punishment for being such an unwanted waste of space. They were not wrong about that though, no one did want me, I didn't blame them, I didn't want me either. 

w  
I walked out of my apartment, no breakfast as usual, and decided to head to school for a change. It was cold, despite the fact that the sun was out, burning my retinas aggressively as if the sun had a score to settle with me.  
When I got to the monorail station I saw that Watanabe Hina was already there.   
I felt as if my heart was made out of lead.  
I could not think of a person I would've liked to see less.  
Watanabe-san and her friends were one of the worst parts of school, and that was saying something.   
I prayed for her to ignore me and wait until the day properly started before beginning our "bonding sessions" as she called them.  
I guess it was stupid of me to hope for that, because as if on cue, Watanabe Hina decided to start walking towards me.   
"Would you look at that, Mochizuki's actually coming to school. Didn't I make myself clear when I said I didn't want to see your shitty face ever again?"   
She said so in her usual condescending tone that indicated how little she thought of me.   
I felt sick, seeing her face up close made me feel as if in audience with the devil itself.   
I tried to talk, but all that came out were weird sounds, as if my vocal cords had decided to take Watanabe-san's side and were bullying me.  
"What's wrong? Cat's got your tongue?"  
She was laughing whilst saying it, but her tone was so intimidating that my body stopped responding completely.  
Most people wouldn't find Watanabe Hina menasing, she wasn't that tall, and if you saw her performance in class it'd be easy to tell she isn't very smart. The problem was that she had many friends, unpleasant friends.   
Niijima Saki, Kobayakawa Mei, and Yoshikawa Misa. When all three of them were together with Watanabe Hina they were a force of nature, but not the good kind, the kind that blows up your house and kills your kids.  
Even though they weren't here I still felt intense fear, I didn't care if the other three were hidden waiting to attack me, just having Watanabe-san in front of me was intimidating enough for me to want to run away.   
Watanabe-san's expression suddenly changed into what can only be described as the picture you would find in a dictionary if you looked up the word "scary".  
"ANSWER ME!! ANSWER ME WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU!!"   
She grabbed my uniform necktie, pulled me up and pinned me to the wall of the waiting area.  
"I….. I'm…. I'm sorry"  
I couldn't think of what to do and in a desperate attempt to save myself I apologised to her.  
She dropped me hard onto the floor.  
"Get out of my sight."  
She said this in a lower voice, as if trying to calm herself down.  
I ran. Even though I had already missed several days of school due to my lack of motivation and other "complications" all I cared about at the moment was saving myself from the present danger.   
My attendance, despite the fact that I hadn't gone in quite a while, didn't really put me in danger of failing since I always did whatever had been assigned at home and mailed it to the school. All I had to do was tell the school I wouldn't be attending due to "personal complications" and they'd mail me the plan for the week.My stomach churned, why did she of all people have to be who I ran into in the morning. She looked at me, as if waiting for me to start crying, but we both knew that would never happen. For the one and a half year I’ve been a student at Hokkaido Asahikawa Kita Watanabe Hina and her minion, Ito Yui, have made my life into what can be described as nothing other than hell.   
w  
Though my parents weren't, to put it mildly, very fond of me, my brothers tried their best with me. They were kind, the only acts of kindness I got to experience were my brothers'. They didn't treat me like a princess like most big brothers do, but that wasn't really what I wanted. They directed the ultimate act of kindness towards me, they treated me as if I were a normal human, as if I wasn't broken.  
Most people would be overjoyed by being treated as they always wanted, the thing is… I never could. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get myself to love the people that were showing me the only kindness I'd ever experienced.   
I think what truly made my family realize they couldn't handle being with me anymore was when my oldest brother Houtarou died.   
It was an accident, so there wasn't anyone they could blame. They cried for days, and all through the memorial service, but I didn't. I couldn't shed a single tear. My other brother Haruki couldn't take it and snapped.   
After we got home he started yelling at me   
"He was always thinking about you! He always looked after you, and put up with your shit! Can you not even pretend to be sad for his sake!!?!?!"  
I couldn't understand, why was he mad at me?   
I said what my brain was thinking, I usually could with him and Houtarou, so I thought it'd be okay, that he'd understand.  
"But, what would be the point? He's dead. He's not going to see me being sad, he can't care anymore."   
I thought I'd seen Haruki mad before, I thought I'd seen it when we arrived home, but that wasn't it, THIS, this was his true anger, what he truly wanted to show me.  
"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID BRAIN! WE ALL KNOW HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW US! I HATE YOU! YOU AND YOUR EMPTY HEART!  
I was scared, but more than that, I was confused. Had I said something wrong? I just wanted to know what the point of crying over someone who's gone.  
"Haruki? Are you angry?"  
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!? OF COURSE I'M FUCKING ANGRY!! HE WAS PROTECTING YOU, YOU KNOW!!! OUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN THINKING OF GETTING RID OF YOU FOR YEARS, BUT HE TALKED THEM OUT OF IT!!! HE CARED ABOUT YOU!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU RETURN THE FAVOUR!!!! I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU ANYMORE!!! I WON'T PROTECT SOMEONE LIKE YOU!!!"  
That was the last thing Haruki ever told me. After that it was just a week before my parents decided that they'd had enough of me, and there was nobody to stop them anymore.   
w  
Upon arriving I mailed the school, but realized that the materials for this week were already in my mailbox.  
"I guess they already know I will most likely never go back."  
I knew that it wasn't as if I'd never attend again, I still had to take the school tests and the like, but I had no intention of going to class again, especially because of the fact that I had somehow been put into the same class as Watanabe-san and her minions again.  
It was not as if the school cared about me and were trying to protect me allowing me to not attend, they just didn't want to deal with the fallout in case I commited suicide due to the bullying inside their institution. One of the teachers had let that slip out during one of my orientations.  
I was glad to look at my calendar and realize that I still had two weeks before I had to go back to that place for this term's finals.   
I got started on my work so that I'd have the most free time I could. There wasn't anything I particularly wanted to do, I just felt the least pain when I was inside my bed covers with the windows and curtains shut.  
I didn't particularly hate pain, it was the one feeling that I had that could be related to the other people out in the world, but honestly feeling only one emotion for years on end got old quickly.   
Once I finished my "homework" I layed back on my bed and put my headphones on. They helped me shut everything out, so that I could stay calm. The reverberating waves on my eardrums, the feeling that the music was part of me, there was no other thing in the world that allowed me have this sensation.   
I'd thought about giving learning an instrument a try, but realized that since I wanted to play the drum kit it wouldn't work by itself, and no one would ever want to be in a band with someone like me, so I quickly decided that it'd be a waste.   
Still, part of me wished there was a way I could play, to feel something I'd never felt. Maybe the music would be able to make me more human, and I'd be accepted.   
w  
Though my parents didn't like me I guess they felt some degree of responsibility towards me because of the fact that they'd brought me to this world, so they got me an apartment on the other side of the country and enrolled me in a high school there (though it was still up to me to pass the entrance exam for it).  
Any living expenses were still up to me, so I still had to find a job in order to survive. I thought about a day job, but my lack of motivation, amplified by the early hours were sure to get me fired so I decided to find a night job. The other factor to consider was school, I was still going back then so I had to keep my work hours separate from my school hours.   
After what felt like the most excruciating hours of my life I settled on a small fast food chain near my apartment building. The hours were good for me and the pay was enough, considering the fact that I didn't really eat that much.  
I know most people my age don't like working, I get it, it's a pain, but if I'm honest I liked the fact that I could make my money and there was no one that treated me badly, which was a nice change from school.  
Once I got my job all I had to do was get ready for school. I had a week to prepare, but I wanted to get a headstart so that I wouldn't miss something and make a fool of myself on the first day.   
I knew most people would have notebooks and that teachers regularly have a preference towards those who do, but I somehow still decided to use my laptop for notes and homework. It was old and had many defects, but it was preferable to buying more notebooks (at least for my wallet). You could make the argument that it was more "green" but someone who took showers as long as mine didn't have the right to make that argument.  
Regarding the uniform, it had been mailed to me in advance so I didn't have to worry about that.  
The only thing left for me to worry about was food.  
I didn't really like eating all that much, couldn't find the appeal. Don't get me wrong, I could tell when food was good or bad most of the time, but I didn't get any considerable high out of eating that could justify buying "fancy" or expensive food. I decided I'd eat at the school cafeteria and see how that went. Since it was very cheap to make it accessible to students there was nothing to worry about, so I just decided to set aside some money each month for food.  
Transportation wasn't really an issue, my school was very particular, and didn't use a regular train like most others, it was built on a different island, completely by itself, so we had to ride a cable-car-like thing in order to get there.   
The station is in the coast, close to where the other island is, and due to the fact that only the school required people to use it, it was almost always very empty early in the morning and late afternoon (before and after the rush of students coming to and from the school).  
w  
Suddenly, it was dark outside.   
"I guess the day's over."  
For someone who's always tired I have an extraordinarily difficult time sleeping, I can stay hours on end staring at the ceiling without finding sleep anywhere in a 300 kilometer radius. Because of this I always take a bath beforehand, it's mostly futile, but to be honest at this point I've come to like it. I've come to long the moment of the day in which my body becomes completely surrounded by water and I can relax.  
It's probably easy to think of my life as relaxing, but I'm actually stressed like 99% of the time. The only moment when I'm actually properly relaxed is when I'm in the bath, however weird it may be. It is the only moment of my day when I can truly say I'm not dying.   
I walked to the bathroom, I felt as if the tub was beckoning me to get closer, as it was alive and knew how badly I needed that feeling of being submerged at least partially underwater.   
For some reason today’s fatigue was especially bad, it was as if my body was trying to get in my way, depriving me of the only thing in this world that wasn’t rotten.   
As I finally got to my recharging den, after what felt like hours of walking, despite the fact that it is only around ten short steps away from my desk, I remembered why I loved the feeling so much. The weightlessness of my body in the water, the gentle heat engulfing me, the pleasant smell that it releases. If anyone told me that they didn’t care for baths, that would be the moment when all my respect for them is lost.  
I washed my body and entered the bath, the feeling I’d been expecting all day finally filled my brain. I closed my eyes, taking the moment in without it being ruined by me looking at myself.   
To be honest I have no idea the amount of time I regularly spend in the bath, but I didn’t care about time, or anything else for that matter. When I was in the bath the only thing that mattered was the temperature. I had to adjust it every so often but it didn’t really bother me.   
I got out of the tub so that I could try to get at least two or three hours of sleep.   
However as soon I got out my mind felt as if was blocking off, as if it was shutting down without my permission.   
This wasn’t unusual, it happened to me every so often. The problem was that it meant that my body needed to recharge.   
I hate that. I understand that my mind needs to rest, and I need my mind, if it were to not be intact for a single second, if I couldn’t think properly, there would be no point in being alive.   
I didn’t have any problems with recharging, and it isn’t like I’m so busy that I don’t have the time for it. What I had a problem with was what I had to do to recharge, I had to eat.   
I said so before, but it was not as if I wasn’t able to perceive the flavour of food, if someone gave me the most delicious dish in the whole cosmos I would most likely agree to the fact that it tastes good, it is the act of eating that I don’t like.   
I find no joy in eating, as “yummy” as it may be, for me it’s just another of those things people do that I have never understood.   
Even though I avoid it as much as my body will allow me I don’t really hate it, I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t hate it. Most of my life is made up of things that I don’t enjoy, because of this I try to chip away at the number of times I have to perform that type of activity, and one of the few activities I actually have control over is eating.   
I made my decision, I would eat a little bit and after that I would try and get some sleep.   
I walked over to the refrigerator and my body stopped  
“I must have waited for too long”  
As I said those words consciousness escaped me. I felt as if I was falling into an endless abyss.   
w  
I wouldn’t say that I’m very smart, that being said I’m not stupid either. Since I didn’t really have the motivation to try too hard I didn’t expect this to change. I was satisfied with my grades, which weren’t bad, but never put me in a significant ranking.   
Some teachers would get angry at this fact and say things like:  
“Do you think that the people who reach the top rankings just sit on their asses all day? That is not the case, they strive for better results every time, that is how they achieve results. I expected you to at least understand their motivation, but I see that my words are wasted on you.”  
I would do what I always did and ignore them, they didn’t really bother me, and I was not about to change my entire philosophy because of something a teacher said to me.   
It might not be the best way to live, but if I’m being honest I don’t like my life anyway so it’s not like changing that is actually relevant to me.   
The weird thing is that even though I’m not smart myself, I really like smart people. Maybe what I like is intelligence itself, but whatever the reason may be I’ve always been drawn to people that have higher reasoning capabilities. Everyone else seems so dull in comparison.   
Because of my unusual fascination for smart people I was determined to find someone that would qualify within my new high school.  
With that goal in mind, keeping me motivated enough to send my strength to my legs, I walked towards the school gate. I had been previously informed of the location of my shoe locker, so I headed there to deposit the shoes I was wearing and took the others out of my bag.   
I knew this was going to be difficult, people never liked me and I knew this wasn’t going to change just because I had just entered high school. Even knowing that I really wanted to find this person, what if they were exactly what I’ve always wanted, I would be able to stop being alone.   
Just as that quickly as that line of thought had began the ever familiar feeling of dread set in, and I asked myself the question I’d been avoiding.   
“Even if I were to find this person, why would they ever want to stand with me? I’m not particularly pretty, I’m not smart, I’m not funny...”  
I walked the rest of the way into my classroom (1-4) in utter defeat, but thought that it couldn’t possibly be any worse than middle school. I had started living by myself too so I’d be spared of the looks of disapproval and contempt towards the simple fact that I’d had the audacity to exist.   
I looked around the room, my own way of scanning to see what kinds of people were around me, obviously at least ninety percent of them were already in their established friend groups from middle school, plus their aura screamed:  
“We’re so extroverted you would be likely to melt if you stepped within a two meter ratio of us”.  
Even the ones that didn’t appear all that familiar with each other were already in their newly formed “best friend crew”, of course the same was the case for the introverted ones who’d already bundled together in order to avoid intrusion from outsiders.   
As always, and as expected I was the only one in my chair by myself.   
“So it’s like this year too?”  
I let out a sigh after commenting on my fate under my breath.   
Suddenly my self-pity was interrupted by the discussion of a subject that I was really curious about from the group of girl closest to the door.   
It is true that I had no place listening in on their conversation especially since I was on the opposite side of the classroom, but because of my lack of experience in it I really wanted to hear a high school girl’s opinion on the matter, since they could be considered the experts.   
The topic was of course, Love.   
“Ne, Ne Himari, How was the break? Nanako tells me that you spent most of it with your boyfriend!!!! What was it like? Was it like being in heaven all day? Was he all lovey dovey with you?”  
The other girl, whose name apparently was Himari looked annoyed at the question, and shot a penetrating glare at the other girl who if I had to guess was the Nanako who spread her secret.   
After noticing that it was a mere exaggeration that the Nanako girl had fabricated in order to make her life more interesting, I concluded that I would be getting nothing constructive out of their conversation and tuned it out.   
The bell rang.   
w  
I woke up on the floor, my head hurt. I wasn’t actually confused about the fact that I’d fainted, that wasn’t that rare of an event for me, what confused me was the fact that it’d happened so soon. I had eating just that morning, how is it that I fainted after just 20 hours of not eating. I had already concluded that that was about the safe amount of time I could wait before being forced by my body to eat again.   
To be honest I didn’t really cared if I fainted, it just made me feel a bit weak after waking up. I could die for all I care.   
I took my phone and ordered some milk from the convenience store in order to appease the monster within my body that asked for nourishment.   
I started crying.   
I wasn’t a the type of person that cried over nothing so the tears flowing down my face perplexed me more that it would be normal for the person producing those tears.   
For some reason i couldn’t stop, I kept crying, and crying until I was too drained to continue. Despite my weak condition it took a long time for my body to tire itself from crying.   
I checked my wrist and saw that I’d been crying for hours, I didn’t really feel like standing, but I got up and walked to the door and got the milk that the delivery person had left for me who knows how long ago.   
I closed the door and walked to the bathroom. I needed the bath, really badly.   
I turned the water on and got undressed, I didn’t even wait for the whole tub to fill. I just got in as soon as my clothes where safe from getting drenched. Though I have to admit the feeling of the water rising and slowly taking your whole body into its warm embrace is something that should be experienced by everyone. 

I was in the bath for a period of time that exceeded the crying, and that was a pretty big number, even for me.   
I walked towards my desk and started on the assignments that I had neglected in favour of crying and bathing (a productive day).   
I didn’t have very long to complete them (which should put into perspective the amount of time I had “ invested” in my other two activities) but I still put the effort I could muster with my not very high levels of motivation.   
Math, Physics, Modern Japanese, English, it seemed like an endless stream of things I had to assimilate in a very reduced amount of time. I could almost hear the voices of my middle school teachers scolding me for my lack of motivation.   
Why was it my fault? It is not like I chose to be born like this, I didn’t want to be the weirdo that doesn’t understand what everyone else is thinking. Being weird is not something I was consulted on when I was conceived.   
Whilst hearing the disapproving comments of my former teachers and the careful ones issued by the principal of my current school I finished my assignments. It took longer than I expected since the english expressions on the practice were way too hard to figure out.   
Not because I had a problem with the language, it didn’t really bring me difficulties. The problem came with the textbook, it was as if it was written in code, the grammatical errors were too many to count and there were so many typos that it didn’t even look like english anymore (a slight exaggeration on my part).   
I changed the playlist from “Working” to “‘Sleeping’” named ironically because I hardly got any rest outside of sparse fainting episodes like the one from yesterday, and I wasn’t listening to the playlist then, for obvious reasons.   
I stared at the roof in anticipation of the mysterious sleep I’ve heard so much about.   
w   
I payed attention to most of the lecture, but feelings of dread and the need to run away were setting in as I hear some girls in the middle saying things like:  
“Oh, the one at the corner? Yeah she looks super gloomy and weird, I bet she’s violent too.”  
Despite the dread I couldn’t stop a certain thought from reaching my brain:  
“Already?”  
I knew that rumours would rise about me, especially since I will most likely not be making friends, but I expected it to take a bit longer, or at least I hoped it would. 

As soon as class ended I ran away, I didn’t want to hear it anymore.   
It came then, a strong blunt hit to my chin, I hadn’t been looking where I was going and hit what I thought was a wall. I lost my balance and hit the floor when I head the last thing I expected to hear, a sweet voice as if taken straight out of heaven:  
“I’m so, so, so, sorry!!!! I wasn’t looking and was excited to check out the rest of the school grounds now that class is over!!!!!”   
I opened my eyes and saw what I believe to be the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.  
I lost my ability to speak.   
Her big green eyes were quickly alternating between pleading looks at her friend and apologetic ones at me.   
I finally found my voice.   
“A-Ehm… don’t worry, I… I’m fine”  
My pathetic attempt at making her feel better didn’t appear to convince her (unsurprisingly).   
“Are you sure? We can take you to the nurse’s office, right Yuki?”  
The beautiful girl's friend said.  
“It’s fine, please continue your exploration”.  
Those were what I thought would be my final words to that beautiful girl.   
I got one last look at her, and gathered the needed strength for my trip back home. 

栗山秋

My alarm clock went off, and even through my rebellious hair I managed to take a good look at the my phone.   
7:55  
"I OVERSLEPT!!!!"   
I rolled out of bed, hitting my elbow, and back in the process. But the adrenaline going through my brain was blocking all other inputs, so any pain I could have felt was completely drowned out.  
I struggled out of my baggy pajamas and into my uniform, since it was a weekday, and ran into the bathroom.  
I didn’t even have the time to comb my rebellious hair, so I has running around getting ready with what looked like a huge yellow raccoon on top of my head.   
I grabbed my shoes, still in the unorderly fashion I'd left them the previous day, and left my apartment.  
On the way to school I put my earbuds in and set my playlist to shuffle, since I didn't really have the time to select what I wanted to listen to.  
As the station came into view, I noticed it was a lot emptier than usual, maybe due to the fact that I was very much in danger of being late.  
That's when I saw her, black hair dancing in the rising sun.   
The only figure in the whole monorail station, it made me want to talk to her, but I couldn't move, it was as if she'd put a spell on me, turning me into stone, but more than that it was like I knew that someone as pretty as her would never waste her time with someone like me.  
My moment of admiration however was short lived. Seconds after the beautiful girl with the cole-coloured hair walked into my field of vision another figured moved towards her.  
For some reason I hid behind a column as soon as the figure got close to the girl.  
I didn't know either of them, but because of the colour of the ribbon on their uniform I know they were in the same year as me.   
"I wish I could hear what they're talking about…"   
I said so in a volume audible to only myself, though I was far enough that I would have been able to talk normally without them hearing through the sound of the moving monorail.  
"ANSWER ME!! ANSWER ME WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU!!"   
The sudden yelling pulled me out of my own head.   
I heard a loud thud on the ground, so I checked to see what had happened.   
The beautiful girl was on the floor, and the other figure, which I could now see clearly was a girl, was standing menacingly on top of her.   
I froze, I wanted to help. Was she being bullied? Was she being mugged?   
I was terrible at confrontation, my best friend Yuki was always the one helping me.   
Suddenly the beautiful girl stood up grabbed her bag and started running away.   
I waited for the first monorail to come and leave and got on the second one. I didn't want to run into that scary person.  
In all that happened I forgot I was already late on my way to school, so waiting for the second monorail, whilst saving my own life, made me even later.

"Kuriyama Aki-san, you're late, again."  
Those lines in the sternest possible tone welcomed me into the classroom.   
I bowed my head slightly and walked to my desk, still a bit dazed from the events that transpired in front of the monorail station.  
None of what the teacher said really stuck to me.

"Aki, are you okay? It seems like you've been spacing out all day, you weren't even looking at the blackboard."  
The familiar voice of concern woke me from my trance.   
"Oh, Yuki! Hi! Um, what's up?"   
I was way to stumped to answer her question, so I decided to act as if I hadn't listened to her instead.  
"Are you okay?"   
Yuki's eyes were full of worry, as if she could tell exactly how distressed I felt.  
Best friends really are something.  
"I saw a really pretty girl this morning."  
Yuki nodded, as if that completely explained my behaviour.   
"You really like pretty girls Aki."  
Yuki said whilst laughing.  
Hering it said aloud made me sound like I was some pervert, but it was more like I could appreciate their aesthetics, especially in contrast to myself.  
"Who was she?"  
For some reason the question caught me off guard. I hadn't even thought about who she was, I was too preoccupied thinking about whether she ended up coming to school afterwards or if she'd run away for good.  
"I don't know"  
My friends eyes sparkled, as if that's the answer she wanted to hear.  
"Want me to find out for you? You haven't shown interest in anyone since.. you know Haru"  
She was right, I hadn't dated anyone since Haru broke my heart, something I hadn't properly told Yuki, even though it had been a year since then.  
I laughed awkwardly, as if to hide the pain I felt at the mention of Haru's name.  
Yuki noticed.  
"It's okay, you don't need to do that for me Yuki."  
"I'm worried about you Aki, you're a bundle of sunshine, but since you left Haru you haven't been the same. I just want to help you."  
Yuki was the only out of all of my friends that stood by me when I realised I liked girls. I owed her a greater debt I could ever hope to repay.  
"Thanks for worrying about me Yuki, but it's   
fine, really. I'm just a bit tired".  
I lied.  
It wasn’t just because of the beautiful girl either, the mention of Haru’s name had really shaken me up. I really didn’t want to hear her name anymore.  
“It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but please don’t worry all by yourself. You can rely on me, that’s what best friends are for.” Yuki said, with her signature worried expression.  
granted it was mostly my fault that she had to make that expression so often.  
I made the brightest smile I could muster, but since I’m not that cute, it probably didn't have that big of an impact.   
I could because of Yuki’s unchanging expression, that she wasn’t convinced.  
“Fine, let’s walk home together, but promise me that you will tell me if it becomes too much for you to bear.”  
“I promise”  
I lied again.

As I walked home with Yuki she told me what the teacher had talked about in class whilst I wasn’t listening.  
I'm so relieved that it's Saturday and not a regular weekday, I don't think I could've handled a full day today.  
But to be honest that’s how I feel most days.  
We arrived at Yuki's house and I said goodbye before continuing to my house.  
"I'm way too tired considering the small amount of work I did today."   
I said to myself as I walked.

The next morning I arrived on time at school, mostly because I was afraid of running into the two girls from yesterday. The effort was almost not worth it, thought I did hope I could see the pretty black-haired girl again.   
"Oooooh Aki's on time today! Good Morning Aki!!"   
I heard Yuki's voice from across the shoe lockers.  
I would be lost without this girl I thought to myself.  
"Good Morning Yuki!!"  
My blonde hair shook with the violent movement I did in order to turn Yuki's way, making all of my efforts trying to tame it in the morning all but futile.  
"Did you see your beautiful princess today too?"   
"No, I think I've seen her somewhere before though, just don't know where."  
Whilst I was putting my shoes on I heard her, the last person I wanted to hear today, or to be honest, ever.  
"Mornin' Yuki, been a while."  
My bag fell onto the floor.  
"Oh… Haru, yeah, morning."  
She ignored me and kept walking.  
Yuki looked at me kindly, as if trying to make me forget that Haru had just walked past us, completely ignoring me.   
I gave her the best smile I could muster, but I could tell she wasn't fooled.   
"Let's go to class, okay?"  
I nodded 

During class all I could think about was Haru.  
Yuki, Haru, and I had been friends since we were little. We were always together, so there was no one in the world I trusted and cared about more than them.   
The day before we entered high school we decided we were going out, all three of us in order to get in the spirit of high school, but Yuki woke up with a cold that morning so we had to cancel.  
Even though we'd decided to just stay home for the rest of the day Haru texted me saying she needed to go out.  
Haru's family situation was bad, like really bad, so when she said she needed to go out, we didn't ask any questions.   
That night was especially bad though, when I met up with her her eyes were red and puffy and she was covered in bruises.   
We walked through town without saying anything until we reached a family restaurant and went in.   
She sat next to me on the booth, which was already unnatural, but I kept the thought to myself.  
As she told me what happened she couldn't hold the tears in, it was really painful to hear. It was as if the wounds on her body were transferred onto me.  
I held her until she calmed down slightly, even though she's considerably taller than me.  
The next thing she did though, was what truly threw me off balance.  
She lifted her head from my right shoulder and kissed me.  
I looked at her completely unsure of whether that had truly happened.   
She looked at me and kissed me again, and again, and again.   
At the end of the day we were dating, and I figured something about myself I wasn't sure I wanted to know.  
Not just that I liked other girls, but that I didn't really care if I was loved back.   
I just wanted someone to stay by my side, to hold me close.   
I wanted to feel someone's warmth next to me, whether they loved me or not was something I could think about afterwards.

The next morning on our way to school we told Yuki, who was very supportive and actually very happy Haru and I were together.   
"My best friends love each other!!"   
She said.  
I ignored Haru's reaction to that comment  
Her enthusiasm carried over to me though, and I was even happier to be with Haru, someone I'd known for a very long time, someone I felt fairly comfortable with, someone I felt I could trust.  
However our other friends were not as excited as Yuki, and just like that the people I thought were unconditional to me disappeared from my life.   
The derogatory comments whenever we passed each other in the hallways weren't great either.  
Rumors spread quickly about me.  
"Ne, have you heard? Kuriyama-san form the next class is "like that" we should stay away from her. We don't want her to try and grope us or something like that."  
That kind of thing became commun too.

Haru broke up with me.  
She started dating some guy from the baseball team.   
She said that she never really liked me, that she was just going out with me because I comforted her when she felt down. She told me she wasn't even into girls, she was just messing around with me since she had a feeling I’d go along with it.

I told Yuki I broke up with Haru, and that she didn't want to see me again. I told her that she didn't have to stop being friends with Haru, but that we wouldn't hang out all three of us again.  
Yuki didn't ask any questions, but stood by me.

The day flew by whilst I was reminiscing, it was as if the world was trying to tell me that it could move on without me just fine, as if I wasn’t even needed.   
It was about 4pm so even though class had ended there were still lots of students around for their club activities.  
The classroom itself though, was deserted.  
I sighed as I walked towards the classroom exit, I felt tired.   
How is it possible that even after so long I haven’t gotten over the whole Haru thing?  
Suddenly I felt the ever familiar sensation of small warm hands on top of my head.  
“Aki, I’m worried about you. I’m your best friend, you can tell me what’s on your mind, you know?”  
Yuki’s voice’s ability to pull me away from the deepest part of my own mind continued to surprise me.   
I smiled.  
She waited for me.  
“It’s okay Yuki, I’m just a bit tired from playing games all night, I’m fine”  
Though I knew Yuki could tell exactly when I was lying I did anyway, as if I had a single sliver of hope she wouldn’t tell.  
No, maybe I wanted her to tell, to tell me it would all be alright, to conform me.  
I quickly let that go when I realized how dangerously close it was to the way Haru thought.   
I’m a child.   
“Aki… you know, if it’s Haru you can tell me. I have nothing left for her.”  
I was shocked at what I heard, and could only voice a single question.  
“Why?”  
Suddenly tears were rolling down my cheeks, I didn’t know why.   
“A...Aki, I’m so sorry, don’t cry! It’s okay, I’m okay!”  
I nodded.   
On the way home Yuki told me she knew what Haru had done, that she’d actually known all along. She told me that the only reason she hadn’t talked to me about it was because she thought that she’d be making me sad by bringing it up.  
“I really don’t deserve Yuki, do I?”  
She had stood by me when no one else did, without her I’d be lost.   
I must have used up all the good karma I’ve build up throughout my lifetime   
Suddenly a sharp pain spread along my face, leaving me very shocked and more than anything else, confused.  
“WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!! IT WAS AKI THAT ALWAYS STOOD BY ME WHEN WE WERE KIDS, BOTH ME AND HARU OWE YOU MORE THAN WE WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO REPAY, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND AKI! I DON’T HANG OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO DO SO!! I LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU!”  
I started crying again. It’s not as if I’m a cry baby, it’s just been a weird couple of days. Maybe the lack of good rest was making me too sensitive.   
“Thank you Yuki, thank you. Thank you for always standing by me.”  
I could barely speak through the tears.   
Yuki dropped me home after making sure I was really okay. 

When I went into my house, the usual empty, dark, and cold home welcomed me.   
I looked at the only chair I owned, with my messy pijamas on top of it.  
It was supposed to be used for my desk, but it mostly functioned as a place for me to put my dirty clothes when I had enough willpower to decide not to just put them on the floor.  
My apartment was rather small, with it being only one room with a small bathroom attached, but to be honest it was all I needed.

I hate being alone. It might be a laughable statement coming from someone with a real friend count of one, but it’s true.   
Whenever I’m alone I start thinking, and my brain loves being mean to me.   
I understand I have a lower tolerance to bad things happening than most, but I can’t really do anything about it.   
Whenever something I don’t like happens, especially if it was my fault (which it almost always is), I can’t stop beating myself over it.   
When I’m alone it’s especially bad, since I don’t have anyone to pull me out of my head.   
Let’s just say that it’s a particularly bad quirk for someone who lives alone, and has almost no friends.   
Since it often keeps me up at night just thinking about everything I’ve done wrong I tend to try to distract myself with games, in order to you know… not think about things I don’t like thinking about.  
At first I tried a couple of different things, from simple mobile games to things like FPSs, but to be honest I wasn’t getting into it.  
Because of that I tried asking Yuki about it, since I knew she rather liked games, and could find something I would enjoy.   
After she went into full game otaku mode (a side of her I have, to be honest, grown quite fond of), she told me about Visual Novels.   
I’ve always liked reading, and the addition of a colorful digital scenery on top of an engaging story did sound rather appealing to me, so I thought to give it a try.  
A piece of advise, if you’re the type of person that gets into things quickly: AVOID GETTING INTO THE VISUAL NOVEL WORLD.   
It is very likely you will never be able to return to your normal life ever again.   
Of course there are very explicit ones that I myself am not a fan of, but whenever you find a good one with beautiful visuals, that isn’t extremely explicit in it’s content, trust me, there is no better feeling.   
A lot of people think they’re tacky or that they are all borderline pornographic, but that’s way too big of a generalization in my opinion.  
I walked to the bathroom in order to take a shower before I started playing.   
I’m not a big fan of baths, so I tend to just take a quick shower when I get home in order to not be sweaty when I sit down to play.


End file.
